On a Rant

Some days just don't go well.  Rather than moaning (much), here are my list for new inventions/training programmes needed to dramatically enhance the quality of life of a minority of one.

1. Tougher eggboxes.  Ideally made of cardboard.  We live on a hill, on a road with speedbumps (at least 20) and potholes (countless).  Every third box of eggs is shattered before it makes it through the door.  And our chickens are frequently broody and so home production is sporadic.

2.  Carpark attendants who tell you before you queue and go through the major 10 minute security check/bomb check that the carpark is full.  Full carparks here mean doubleparked everywhere, nightmares to inch through. But the bomb-checking-guards are very conscious of their status 'Its not my job to tell you there isn't any room' they've told me more than once (including today).

3. Valuing regulars.  Private functions trump everything here.  Today we arrived 20 minutes early for our tennis lesson, - after 30 minutes drive in full sun - to find that a wedding do is being held there too. Fine.  But all the parking for miles around is either taken (in the tennis club) or prebooked for them (elsewhere).  Hard, in tennis shorts, to convince anyone you're going to a wedding. Had to cancel the lesson in the end.  It happens too in my regular coffee haunt.  Room for all for 50% of the time, until there's a corporate function, when, without warning, regulars are begrudgingly allocated a tiny bench in full sun, being blasted by the jargon from the Audi Sellers Africa Convention or whatever.  I understand I'm not always flavour of the month, but why not put up a notice a week in advance, so we can plan ahead.  Why not PRETEND you care for those tired old boring faces who pay the monthly standing orders?

4.  Parking attendants who (I sense a theme here) 'help' you park by standing in the space you are trying to reverse into, in your blind spot, making wheel turning gesticulations to encourage you.  This one makes me see red. I know they're TRYING to be helpful.  It feels partly as if they're saying 'Oh the little woman doesn't know which way to turn her wheel.' They do do it for everyone.  It seems to just be me that it infuriates. 

Of course, because they don't have driving licences themselves, they are also wildly overenthusiastic in the size of the parking places into which they think you can fit a family car. And when you demur, they just do the wheel turning motions all the more, as if your hesitancy is just scratching your head trying to remember, 'Now do I turn the wheel left or right to get in there...'  Shameful admission, I have, in rage, shouted 'Have you GOT a driving licence?' at one bumptious young man, probably day one in the job, and keen to be very, very helpful, unfettered by reality.

5. Thinking for others, putting yourself in someone else's shoes.  For me it's a basic and key skill in driving.  'Is that car trying to pull out? Let's pull over to give them room.' 
'If I park here, will the others be able to get out?' 
'If I stop here, in the middle of the road, how will the other cars behind me get round me? Might there be somewhere I could stop that won't inconvenience them?'

6. Taking turns.  Watching German driving lessons, learners learn to filter in, first a car from the left, then a car from the right, one at a time.  I should find a German friend to share driving prejudices here.  But in Kenya the rules are:
'Watch the nose of the car, do what you like. Do what works for you.  Push right in.  Size is power. If you have bullbars and a GK government numberplate, you rule the road.  Block the three lanes of traffic who have just stopped to kindly make way for you. Stop right on the sliproad onto the 50 mph dual carriageway to let out your passengers. Take your time. Don't use mirrors or switch off the indicator which is giving a wholly misleading impression of your next move.  Who dares wins.'

Here's to calmer driving conditions tomorrow.