Back in UK Firstborn was a Brownie, along with all her mates. And what Brown Owl, the kindly, competent, hyperefficient mother of four, staff nurse and pillar of the community, said, Went. Not just for the Brownies but for we parents too. In part because we so valued what she and her family made possible in the community, - the camping trips where she took 30 overexcited preteens away for a termtime weekend, where her husband, an overstretched teacher, catered and facilitated their 'helping'. The carol concerts on Christmas Eve in the reception of the local hospital, where the Brownies visited each ward and sought to convey something deeper than a Santa hat alone. But also because her assertions had the ring of truth, would be backed up by wider explanations. Because deep down, however inconvenient, you knew she was right. She was consistent. She was as she preached.
I remember her explaining to a child who'd forgotten to get parents to complete and return a permission slip, forgotten for the second time,
'It matters that your friends can rely on you. The way we do this, is by being reliable in the small things. Permission slips aren't just about permission to go on a trip, they are about being reliable, a trusted member of the troop.'
It's a message which needs a loudspeaker here in Kenya. Being reliable is either on a different scale, or, I'd perceive, just isn't valued at all. Giving difficult messages, meeting agreed deadlines, explaining that the situation has changed, clarifying misunderstandings rather than just letting them lie, apologising, these are all in short supply here. I try to continue to emulate Brown Owl, to be a sinking island of reliability, at least in my threshold issues. It matters to me and my identity to believe that people to whom I've made a commitment, can rely on me. But it's an uphill task most of the time, and sometimes, as today, I fall far short.
At BigCorporate decisions are taken with seemingly no sense of the impact they might have on the worker bees, and ultimately on their own objectives. Trying to support students to apply to US colleges, and my - and their - internet access at work has been blocked, completely. I made the case that we might as well cancel the whole programme if they can't access the internet. That when things are this competitive, they need every ounce of support they can get for them to triumph. And that blocking their research tool - and mine - has major consequences.
BigCorporate has an August Congress for all its interns, former and current. It's the time when they all get released from their branch offices, gather together to network, to listen to inspirational speakers, - and for those applying to the States to get feedback on essays and applications. August is also the time when expat children are home from school, and when expat families travel home, so I'd planned ahead. Had the dates of the Congress confirmed, so I could book our flights and sort our commitments around it. Three dimensional chess with family in several bits of the country, meeting friends, working round the commitments of others. But I managed it, more or less. Today I learn by chance that the Congress dates are precisely not those I've been given. Its all been moved by a week. Its now precisely at the time I'm not here, - and I'm the only person working with the US applications this year. In a way I can understand it. A VIP wanted to attend so it was shifted. OK then. What I can't understand is that no one communicates this. That a manager doesn't take responsibility to pass on difficult news, and then say, well calm down ThresholdGal, the universe doesn't revolve around you you know. But you do need that conversation.
Yesterday my patience, long tried by one of our staff, snapped. I'd given multiple warnings, set up performance improvement plans, monitored, fed back, congratulated improvement. And there had been improvements, and relapses, and different issues for which no warnings had been given. And it all got too much for me. Today I sacked him. I felt my boundaries had been pushed too far, that the relationship was seriously out of balance. We pay well, offer generous benefits, and are clear that we expect reliability in return. My willingness to give time off at times of emergency seemed to have become interpreted as it not really mattering whether the individual was at work, or not. And for me the final straw was the request for a week's leave for the funeral of a sister in law - (a day or two ok, but a week?), the week following two day's leave for a sore finger, a week ahead of a month's paid leave while we are away, in addition to a further 3 weeks other paid emergency leave in times of extreme crisis this year (alongside four weeks paid leave already taken while we've been away.) Put in black and white you can see how he might have got that impression. But still.
I have tried explaining that he was our childcare. That my ability to work depended on him being here. That I can get cover through friends if given notice, but on the spur of the moment? Here short-term, with no family in this country. Complex beyond. And repeatedly on the spur of the moment? No no no. But he, being a man in a society where he doesn't shoulder precisely these responsibilities, couldn't grasp this I think.
It's really, really hard to sack someone in a country without social security, even when you've dithered around the issue multiple times over 15 months. When you like the person its even harder. If there were social security here I wouldn't hesitate in this case. But its all so much more entangled here.
And its really entangled in the mind of the staff. When we had our termination interview, - which I had prefigured with him really clearly the night before, but he still hadn't anticipated - his first comment was 'But if you do this I'll have to take my children out of school.' And then 'But you will get me another job won't you.' And I can hear the desperation in his voice, see his pleading eyes still. And yes of course, I've written a reference with the warmth that I do feel for him for what he has done for us. And I've posted it on jobs boards and noticeboards in malls and paid for two months advertising. And we've given him a generous pay off, and I've said if he doesn't find something by mid August he should phone me and I'll see what else I can do. But, Brown Owl-like, I've also said clearly,
'But I can't find you something with my friends, because they have all heard me moaning when you unexpectedly aren't there. When people phone me, I will tell of all the things you do well, your kindness, honesty, my affection for you. But if they ask me were you always there when you were expected, well I will have to say no. You need to think about this for your next job.'
And now I wonder whether being generous doesn't maybe put people into child mode. Handouts. Patronage. For me the focus of our relationship was the work context, a job, set tasks. The context for our generosity was a work relationship, to build a stronger work relationship, and a recognition of need which we could help to bridge. I had been really explicit about it, I thought. But from people's reactions now - not just his, - despite over 10 warnings - but also our housekeeper, who was stunned, and cried - its more like a caring parent suddenly slapping you in the face. Relax into this relationship, no need to do, just to be.
And I feel caught up in that too. Do feel deadly guilty at having fallen short of what was expected of me - whether or not I expected it of myself - at the thought of those children possibly having to leave school. Of the deadly stress and uncertainty I have wreaked on a family I do like and care for. But we have 'put up with' for over a year. Like in a bad relationship, my friends can recite chapter and verse of our ups and downs. We have helped get them a year's more schooling than without us. And in the end, when the chips are down, when push comes to shove, my focus is reliable childcare for my own children, a reliable safety net that enables me to meet my obligations. I, we, can't build a welfare state on our own.
And just as I value Brown Owl's clearspoken honesty, so it matters to me that when I've given up the hope of a relationship getting better, when I'm really really tired of that carping tone in my voice, and the admonishments with the door shut, well then I want to move on.
I remember her explaining to a child who'd forgotten to get parents to complete and return a permission slip, forgotten for the second time,
'It matters that your friends can rely on you. The way we do this, is by being reliable in the small things. Permission slips aren't just about permission to go on a trip, they are about being reliable, a trusted member of the troop.'
It's a message which needs a loudspeaker here in Kenya. Being reliable is either on a different scale, or, I'd perceive, just isn't valued at all. Giving difficult messages, meeting agreed deadlines, explaining that the situation has changed, clarifying misunderstandings rather than just letting them lie, apologising, these are all in short supply here. I try to continue to emulate Brown Owl, to be a sinking island of reliability, at least in my threshold issues. It matters to me and my identity to believe that people to whom I've made a commitment, can rely on me. But it's an uphill task most of the time, and sometimes, as today, I fall far short.
At BigCorporate decisions are taken with seemingly no sense of the impact they might have on the worker bees, and ultimately on their own objectives. Trying to support students to apply to US colleges, and my - and their - internet access at work has been blocked, completely. I made the case that we might as well cancel the whole programme if they can't access the internet. That when things are this competitive, they need every ounce of support they can get for them to triumph. And that blocking their research tool - and mine - has major consequences.
BigCorporate has an August Congress for all its interns, former and current. It's the time when they all get released from their branch offices, gather together to network, to listen to inspirational speakers, - and for those applying to the States to get feedback on essays and applications. August is also the time when expat children are home from school, and when expat families travel home, so I'd planned ahead. Had the dates of the Congress confirmed, so I could book our flights and sort our commitments around it. Three dimensional chess with family in several bits of the country, meeting friends, working round the commitments of others. But I managed it, more or less. Today I learn by chance that the Congress dates are precisely not those I've been given. Its all been moved by a week. Its now precisely at the time I'm not here, - and I'm the only person working with the US applications this year. In a way I can understand it. A VIP wanted to attend so it was shifted. OK then. What I can't understand is that no one communicates this. That a manager doesn't take responsibility to pass on difficult news, and then say, well calm down ThresholdGal, the universe doesn't revolve around you you know. But you do need that conversation.
Yesterday my patience, long tried by one of our staff, snapped. I'd given multiple warnings, set up performance improvement plans, monitored, fed back, congratulated improvement. And there had been improvements, and relapses, and different issues for which no warnings had been given. And it all got too much for me. Today I sacked him. I felt my boundaries had been pushed too far, that the relationship was seriously out of balance. We pay well, offer generous benefits, and are clear that we expect reliability in return. My willingness to give time off at times of emergency seemed to have become interpreted as it not really mattering whether the individual was at work, or not. And for me the final straw was the request for a week's leave for the funeral of a sister in law - (a day or two ok, but a week?), the week following two day's leave for a sore finger, a week ahead of a month's paid leave while we are away, in addition to a further 3 weeks other paid emergency leave in times of extreme crisis this year (alongside four weeks paid leave already taken while we've been away.) Put in black and white you can see how he might have got that impression. But still.
I have tried explaining that he was our childcare. That my ability to work depended on him being here. That I can get cover through friends if given notice, but on the spur of the moment? Here short-term, with no family in this country. Complex beyond. And repeatedly on the spur of the moment? No no no. But he, being a man in a society where he doesn't shoulder precisely these responsibilities, couldn't grasp this I think.
It's really, really hard to sack someone in a country without social security, even when you've dithered around the issue multiple times over 15 months. When you like the person its even harder. If there were social security here I wouldn't hesitate in this case. But its all so much more entangled here.
And its really entangled in the mind of the staff. When we had our termination interview, - which I had prefigured with him really clearly the night before, but he still hadn't anticipated - his first comment was 'But if you do this I'll have to take my children out of school.' And then 'But you will get me another job won't you.' And I can hear the desperation in his voice, see his pleading eyes still. And yes of course, I've written a reference with the warmth that I do feel for him for what he has done for us. And I've posted it on jobs boards and noticeboards in malls and paid for two months advertising. And we've given him a generous pay off, and I've said if he doesn't find something by mid August he should phone me and I'll see what else I can do. But, Brown Owl-like, I've also said clearly,
'But I can't find you something with my friends, because they have all heard me moaning when you unexpectedly aren't there. When people phone me, I will tell of all the things you do well, your kindness, honesty, my affection for you. But if they ask me were you always there when you were expected, well I will have to say no. You need to think about this for your next job.'
And now I wonder whether being generous doesn't maybe put people into child mode. Handouts. Patronage. For me the focus of our relationship was the work context, a job, set tasks. The context for our generosity was a work relationship, to build a stronger work relationship, and a recognition of need which we could help to bridge. I had been really explicit about it, I thought. But from people's reactions now - not just his, - despite over 10 warnings - but also our housekeeper, who was stunned, and cried - its more like a caring parent suddenly slapping you in the face. Relax into this relationship, no need to do, just to be.
And I feel caught up in that too. Do feel deadly guilty at having fallen short of what was expected of me - whether or not I expected it of myself - at the thought of those children possibly having to leave school. Of the deadly stress and uncertainty I have wreaked on a family I do like and care for. But we have 'put up with' for over a year. Like in a bad relationship, my friends can recite chapter and verse of our ups and downs. We have helped get them a year's more schooling than without us. And in the end, when the chips are down, when push comes to shove, my focus is reliable childcare for my own children, a reliable safety net that enables me to meet my obligations. I, we, can't build a welfare state on our own.
And just as I value Brown Owl's clearspoken honesty, so it matters to me that when I've given up the hope of a relationship getting better, when I'm really really tired of that carping tone in my voice, and the admonishments with the door shut, well then I want to move on.
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