Kenya Made Easier

Just as you get to feel confident in a location, you move on. Which are the pearls of wisdom I've picked up on the way I'd want to pass on to Nairobi Newcomers?

• Hire a driver for the first few days and sit next to him in the front seat, map open on your lap, marking his cut-throughs and routes. Nairobi barely has street signs, having a robust sense of where you are and some key landmarks reduces the panic.
  Get him to explain the rules of the road to you. 'We are bigger, so we go first' were the memorable words from Eric the Driver as our Prado bore down on an inoffensive Toyota Corolla.  You watch pedestrians doing it too. Red number plates or mzungu driver? Likely they've taken and passed a driving test at some point, probably get the car serviced occasionally, lets just nip in here ahead of them and assume they have a foot covering the brake for a nifty emergency stop.
  
• As soon as you get your ID, sign up for an mpesa account. Mobile money makes things so much easier - for paying the monthly internet without a queue, to pay staff remotely so they can travel up-country without risking a pocket full of cash on a matatu which might get robbed.

• Manage your expectations. Things take longer. Far longer. Getting the AA of Kenya formal reports to value two cars, a purely commercial transaction, took seven visits. A work permit took eight months and five visits including intervention by BigBoss and BigBoss's aunty.  And cluster activities. Once you've found a parking space, do all the things you can do in this one location. Tomorrow is another day, another location.
  
• Who are the people I wish I'd found earlier?  For car mechanics, Tinu at the garage at Oil Libya, Peponi Road. For a caring, excellent children's doctor, Dr Nesbitt at Gertrudes Childrens Hospital. For lazy birthday cakes, Java Westgate or Velvet Chocolate, next to Nakumatt Ukay.  To teach the mysteries of victoria sponges and tasty salads, Lakuku Karen.  For reviving medicinal cocktails, an Afternoon Affair at Zen Gardens, upstairs at the Sankara or the two for one deal at Onami, Westgate. For upbeat uproarious interactive Swahili lessons, Peninah 0724 348401. For an expert trampolining & gymnastics coach Bernard 0724 243611. For expert, ethical help registering a company or applying for a work permit, Erastus CPA. For DVDs and box sets, Discover Movies upstairs in ABC. In an emergency, when your safe with all travel documents won't open six hours before the flight leaves, safepickers 020 374 6321...
  
• Which scenarios are useful to prepare for and what solutions have inspired me?  Get your Swahili teacher to cover the scenario of being shunted in the car.  Nothing more frustrating when you've just been pranged by the car behind and are sure you are in the right than for the conversation to lapse into Swahili. And great the feeling of success when you chip back into the conversation, in your best Swahili, nope, actually I'm not in the wrong here, please can you write down your name and number and insurance details.  I've also found 'Tabia mbaya' 'Bad manners' a very helpful phrase at times.  When the waiters in a restaurant at the coast are talking about us, secure in the knowledge we won't understand.  Collapse of stout party. Haha.
  
  Decide how you will respond in the traffic without resorting to roadrage.  Initially, geek-like, I had the kids sing rousing revivalist hymns from the back row to power me on from a cowering wreck in the corner. 'And did those feet, in ancient times....' Now, more confident, more stroppy, I silently mouth obscenities, enunciating very clearly, so you see the idiot driver who has cut me up in a very dangerous way screwing up his face, concentrating hard, wondering exactly what I am saying. A friend imagines firing an imaginary gun taking out each of the tyres of the malefactors. A member of the Quaker meeting reflects that 'You are my neighbour. And you too. And you too.' But that, for me, makes her a candidate for sainthood, not in the reach of mere mortals.  A member of a diplomatic mission was recently caught on camera 'making lewd gestures' at another driver, which went viral via twitter, so we've all been warned not to.   So I don't anymore. I just think them.
  
• Get out of Nairobi at least once a month. Cabin fever ain't pretty. You don't realise how stressed you've got till you're out of it.  Big landscapes, no razor wire, African sunsets, - this is what we need.
  
• Retreat at times. The French say it well, 'reculer pour mieux sauter' - to retreat to get a better run up to it.  At times you need to hide under the duvet with a stack of good books or escapist DVDs. Its all part of culture shock. Its cheaper than a trip to the spa. And bouncing forth a few days later, equanimity restored, no one need ever know you've read your way through 17 Dick Francis novels and five school stories from when you were 9. Unless you choose to tell them about it on your blog when you're leaving the country .....  And alternatively, and in parallel, find some good cronies with whom you can cackle over an Afternoon Affair (see above) at today's utterly shaming scenario, when you were in the wrong yet again.
  
• Make Kenyan friends. I've met such great and inspiring people with such inspiring stories, have had such a laugh with colleagues in the office. After three years one of them told me that what I thought I'd been doing as a mark of respect when shaking hands with more senior/respected visitors, actually looked like the birdy dance from the 1980s. Oh no. All those respected African statesmen wondering, why is that mzungu doing the birdy dance instead of shaking hands with me?????
  
• Don't let security fears stop you doing things. Much. We had some terrifying briefings at the start, but it matters to get out and chance your arm.  Yes I take a security escort car when I'm coming back late at night alone or through a dodgy area, yes I put towels over mirrors at coast hotels to protect from breaking glass in a bomb blast, but don't let the fears stop you from going out and having fun. I do do the security checks, have driven past our gate when being followed, have stopped using certain restaurants during security scares and opted away from shopping in the Israeli owned shopping centre.  But its not as terrifying as the briefings make out. Try not to worry.
  
• And my favourite places?  Acacia Camp on Kapiti Plain/Athi River for a Sunday bike ride amidst zebra and giraffes followed by a tasty Sunday lunch.  Loisaba Laikipia, for pure luxury, views of 100 miles in each direction up to Mount Kenya, fantasy land. Open House for a Friday night curry. Mailu Saba on the edge of the Menengai Crater for the most stunning location, great cooking and an ethical safari camp which provides employment for older siblings bringing up their orphaned younger siblings. The view from the restaurant at Sands at Nomad, Diani, for picture postcard perfect beaches.  Shela beach in Lamu for aimless wandering and shell collecting, unhassled and unhurried. And, should you be trying to have a quiet, studious work meeting in Zen Gardens one Friday but be interrupted by the raucous middleaged women howling in laughter at the next table, I'm afraid that might be us. Just don't ask me to shake your hand in respect.